were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
