i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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