I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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