just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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