omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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