Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
3 2 1 whiskey
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Randomize