I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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