So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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