I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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