this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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