woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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