I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Just high enough for therapy.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
