the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
sarcasm needs its own font
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I just had sex on a roof
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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