they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
