All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
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