he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize