I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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