I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
