I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
