He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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