Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I need to align my fucking chakras
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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