I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
