No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Randomize
