i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
this is an emotional support booty call
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
