They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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