I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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