You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
