You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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