My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Randomize
