ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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