I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize