Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
