apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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