Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
