Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
