why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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