I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
