i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
