there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
