You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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