i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize