Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize