Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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