just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
he just fucked me for my cheese..
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
