so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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