I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
