I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
