please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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