Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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