i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
