I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Randomize
