This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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