Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
