I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
