and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
