So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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