just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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