Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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