I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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